I am not very joyful today, but I still want to blog about it in hopes that I will get out of my funk. I didn’t see the fog roll in, it was there when I looked outside this morning though. Although my eyes were open it seemed like the clouds had filtered into my brain while I slept, making it hard to see the world around me. When my alarm went off this morning, I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to hold onto my Honey, who was nice and warm and full of sleep. I forced myself to let go, to get up, to start getting ready for work. The fog was in my brain, and I felt dark inside and out. I grumbled and moaned inside and out, getting dressed, putting my lunch and breakfast in a plastic grocery bag, grabbing my heaping-full backpack, finding my keys…you get the idea…it was a sleepy drone of complacency and resentment. The stoplights were all against me, and the coffee shop I get my coffee at every morning was not yet open when I arrived. My iPod played cheerfully in the car, which did nothing to help my cloudy mood.
Finally the coffee shop owners arrived and I got my coffee. The lights were once again against me as I drove to work. Someone, the same car as yesterday that magically appeared out of nowhere and starting showing up at my work, was once again parked in my favorite spot underneath the tree, where it stays shady and cool and doesn’t overheat my car throughout the day. Not that it mattered in this fog, but it was the principle. Who the heck was this stealing my favorite spot I always park in every morning…had they even left the night before? What made them choose that particular spot? There were plenty of other closer spots to the building. I just didn’t understand. My head felt foggy. I walked in to work, not wanting to see anyone, so of course I run into someone and have to say hello, pretending to be all cheerful so I don’t get talked about behind my back. I am already so tired.
The one small victory was that the light over my cubicle that had burnt out yesterday was still burnt out, and I was able to rest my head on my desk for a moment, in perfect solitude and semi-darkness to try to prepare myself for the day ahead. I decided that today I wouldn’t go on my 4-mile walk with my co-workers. I didn’t want to get sweaty or exert any energy this morning. It was enough that I had to be here. No motivation whatsoever this morning to do anything. At least there weren’t too many email requests in my email inbox, and no voicemail messages. What a relief.
I changed out of my workout clothes and washed my cup out with the stinky soap and hot water from the coffee maker because the sink water didn’t get hot enough. My hands smelled like the stinky soap now. I made my oatmeal, and ate that along with my Greek yogurt, finishing up with my coffee. Then I brushed, flossed and used mouthwash before brushing my Invisalign aligners and putting them back in. They never seem to be without some sort of tartar even though I brush like, a hundred or so times a day, and clean them every time as well after I eat anything. Best diet ever because I can’t snack without going through the whole process, but still a pain in the ass.
So where does that leave me now? I checked my emails, visited some of the usual blogs and website in search of entertaining tidbits, but really I am just still in a fog. A dull fog that lives both inside and outside of me today. No excitement, no motivation, and nothing really to look forward to today. I have my restaurant job this evening and based on last week I am not looking forward to it. I wish everything didn’t cost so much. I am a prisoner to debt, and I have to work too much to pay the bills, or start a family. What a waste of existence. I need to do something about this, I just don’t know what. Maybe if I could clear the fog from my brain a little bit it would help. But how do I do that? Only time will tell. The answer will surely make its way through the mistiness inside my head, and open my eyes to a brighter world. I don’t need much, just a little bit of hope that I won’t be stuck in this same routine forever.